Schoolgirl Kenshin and the Badfic of Doom
by misaoshiru
Summary: Sequel to Vampires. Kenshin is forced to go undercover at an all girls' school. How will he survive? More importantly, how will he restrain himself from breaking his vow and killing the crazed fangirl who got him in this cliched mess in the first place?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, Sailor Moon, or Snowblind. Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki, who's just plain awesome in general. Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi, who...well, she's married to someone cool. I guess that counts for something. XD Snowblind is a brilliant fanfic by Nekotsuki, who was (unbelievably enough) gracious enough to allow me to use it in here. You rock, Auntie Keej!

Schoolgirl Kenshin and the Badfic of Doom  
_by misaoshiru _

There was a blinding flash of red. When the glare subsided, Himura Kenshin, who had appeared with the flash, blinked. "Ah, you're here," a voice said.

"You again," Kenshin snarled as he recognized the teenage girl sitting on a desk chair in front of him. How could he forget? It wasn't that her looks were particularly noteworthy; she had messy brown hair and brown eyes, and save for the fluffy-looking, black cat ears on her head, she looked roughly the same as any 21st century girl, at least in Kenshin's eyes. However, when someone puts you through the kind of hell she had put Kenshin through...

"I sense some anger management issues," the girl said. "Or have I done something to offend you?"

"_You tried to lock me in your goddamned closet!_" Kenshin practically yelled, clenching his fists.

"You would have made a good pet." She shrugged. "I promise you, despite how it might have appeared, I would have made a good master."

"What do you want with sessha?" Kenshin said, practically growling. "Or do you just want another chance to make sessha your slave?"

"Slave is such a harsh word..."

"You didn't answer the question."

"Fine. I'll get straight to the point. I need a favor from you."

"And what makes you think sessha is willing to do favors for you?" Kenshin hissed.

"You're Kenshin. You're always doing favors for people you don't like."

"Not when they've tried to spray whipped cream on..."

"Fine," misaoshiru said, turning around. "I guess I'll have to write a fic where you and Saitou have to take of your clothes to keep from freezing to death like in Nekotsuki's fic, only it'd be much racier. I'm thinking of throwing in some BDSM and calling it 'Snowbound'. What do you think, hmm?"

Kenshin visibly gulped. "Sessha thinks he might be willing to do the favor now."

"Good," she said, an evil grin on her face. "I've heard reports that penguins are infiltrating schools in Japan. I need you to..."

"Wait, penguins? Sessha doesn't really think penguins are much of a threat de gozaru."

Misaoshiru gave him a strange look. "Everyone knows penguins are evil."

"Umm...right," Kenshin said. He didn't know what to think, really, but he didn't want to offend her. The thought of "Snowbound" sent chills down his spine, after all.

"As I was saying, I need you to attend Konoyarou High School for a while to gauge the threat, and to kick penguin tail if necessary."

"That doesn't sound _too _bad," Kenshin said, unaware that he was jinxing himself. He did not comment about how the school's name was a term roughly meaning the same as the word "bastard" in English because oddly enough, that lovely little factoid had slipped his mind for the moment.

"Good! Here's your uniform." She pulled out a uniform that would probably be right at home in Sailor Moon.

"Anou...that's a girls' uniform de gozaru."

"I know."

"Sessha is not a girl."

Misaoshiru decided against pointing out that her father had thought otherwise when he first saw him. Instead, she said, "Do you think I'd fangirl after you the way I do if you were?"

"Sessha supposes not."

"It's just that Konoyarou High School is an all girls' school, and we can't have you being too conspicuous. All right, ready?"

"Umm...is there going to be any shounen ai or yaoi in this fic, misaoshiru-dono?"

"Minimal," she said. Then, before Kenshin had a chance to complain or wonder just what he'd gotten himself into, she pressed a key on her computer's keyboard, and he disappeared in a puff of red smoke. "I probably should have warned him that this is another parody fanfic," she said to herself after he disappeared. "Oh well. He'll figure it out for himself eventually." She rubbed her hands together and cackled maniacally. This was going to be fun.

* * *

In a conveniently vacant part of Konoyarou High School fields, there was a puff of red smoke, followed by the sound of a sneeze. (Flashes were such expensive effects, after all. Smoke bombs that released colored smoke were cheaper and just as showy. Unfortunately, Kenshin just happened to be allergic to the red dye in them.) 

"Ah, good morning!" a man said in a squeaky, high-pitched voice. "You must be the new student, Kenshin Himura! I am Principal Shimatta!" Kenshin winced at the man's name. He was tall, at least a foot taller than Kenshin, and thin. And he wore pink. (Not like Kenshin's gi, which is magenta, thank you very much! His clothing was more of the hot pink variety.) All in all, he resembled a flamingo. "Even though your name is unusually masculine, we're very happy to have you here!"

"Yeah, your name is pretty strange too, you know," Kenshin muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" the principal said in genuine confusion. "I thought you said something."

"Umm, nothing."

"Well, welcome!"

"Thanks...I think."

"Now, to introduce you to your new roommate! To the office!"

Kenshin had no choice but to follow along, though the thought of drowning himself in an elaborately designed, butt-ugly fountain they passed along the way was all too tempting. The office itself was very standard, with an all-too-impeccably organized desk and two chairs being the only noteworthy furniture in the room. A girl was sitting in one of these chairs. She was of average height, perhaps an inch or two taller than Kenshin, and she had curves in all the right places. Her eyes resembled gorgeous sapphires, or were they rubies or emeralds? They changed color every half second, you see. As for her hair, it was all colors of the rainbow, somehow looking unspeakably obnoxious and yet beautiful at the same time. It was almost eerie. The girl wore...ah, who cares what she wore? Simply put, she was so pretty (in an almost ugly way) that she merited a description so painful that it would break your brain in two. "Ara?" the girl said, looking shocked yet exotically exquisite in the office's perfect lighting. "Oh, you must be Kenshin, my new roommate! I'm Mary Sue, a foreign exchange student, school president, cheerleader, runner of around forty-seven clubs on campus, and the occasional pop superstar. It's a pleasure to meet you." With a grin displaying her perfect teeth, she grabbed Kenshin and almost forcibly removed him from the office.

"Anou, Mary Sue-dono, where are you taking me?"

"Toour room, of course. I hope you don't mind unicorns or flowers or rainbows; they make up the main decor of the room. You see, they're the only things keeping me happy and fun loving and not snapped and psychotic due to the unspeakably horrific and traumatizing things that have happened to me in the past." She took a deep breath. Kenshin braced himself. "My dad died in a car accident, and my mom hated my sister and me, so she sold us into slavery and we were sent to Venezuela, where we were supposed to be sold into prostitution, and she became one and has probably died of AIDS by now, but I never really liked her anyway, and I managed to escape by chewing through the shackles they put on both my legs and my arms - they were heavy shackles, too - and by seducing the guard and getting him to give me the key, and then I managed to get enough money through my sheer cuteness and the inspiringness of my story to travel to the United States, where I was adopted by this billionaire - I think you might have heard of him, his name's Bill Gates-"

"Et-to, Mary Sue-dono, shouldn't you be breathing?"

"-don't be silly, I don't really need to breathe that often; I'm part mermaid, you know; anyway Bill Gates is really nice, you know, and he paid for me to be educated by all the best teachers in the country, and I graduated college at the age of seven, but I wanted to come here because I've always wanted to see Japan - they've got anime and manga and Pocky, you know - and I cry every night because my cousin is a clown and I'm afraid of clowns, and-"

"Mary Sue-dono, you're turning blue."

"-doesn't matter; blue's my favorite color, what's your favorite color; oh, I forgot, pink's my favorite color, blue's my second favorite; I like puppies, do you like puppies? Puppies are fluffy and nice and..." By this time, Mary Sue had turned a deep purple. Finally, she shut up, for good.

Kenshin sighed. "Guess I need a new roommate, then," he said to himself, resigned,as he headed back to the office."

* * *

End of chapter one

* * *

In case anyone (other than Mi-chan) was wondering, shimatta roughly means "dammit". 

For the record, I'm not _really_ that perverted. It's just great fun messing with Kenshin's head, heh.


	2. Chapter 2

**Schoolgirl Kenshin and the Badfic of Doom  
**_Chapter 2_

Kenshin sat in the drab office of Principal Shimatta, a blandly decorated room that he could have sworn had been violently pink for a fraction of a second before he entered. He stared fixedly at a wooden bird toy that repeatedly dipped its beak in a little bucket, not because it was particularly interesting, but because it was the most exciting thing present.

Principal Shimatta had gone to fetch his new roommate, some girl named "Kamyia Karou". Whoever that was... Frankly, Kenshin wasn't too excited to meet her; he'd already gone through one psycho roommate already, and it was still his first day!

Finally, the flamingo-like man strutted in, followed by a raven-haired girl with perfect skin, a graceful stride like the flight of an eagle, eyes that glistened like sapphires in the sunlight on a warm day in mid-February. What any of this has to do with the story remains to be seen.

She looked familiar. Too familiar. In fact, she looked exactly like the gorgeous young wife Kenshin had in Tokyo, the one whom just last night, he had held in his arms, whose pearl-smooth skin he had kissed, right down to...

The fourth wall fell with a resounding _crack_.

"I am the spirit of fanfiction-dot-net's terms of service," a disembodied voice said. "Your fic is rated T, meaning thirteen and older."

"I'm aware of this," misaoshiru said.

"Then you realize the problem here?"

"Umm... No ties on casual Friday?"

"No."

"...Seafood shouldn't be consumed out of season?"

"Try again."

Misaoshiru sighed. "I'm not supposed to use naughty words?"

"Bingo."

"What kind of disembodied spirit says 'bingo'?"

"...That's none of your business." With that, the disembodied voice disappeared...somehow, and the fourth wall was magically restored.

_Anyway_, she looked very familiar. 'Oh crap, de gozaru...'

"Kaoru?" Kenshin squeaked.

"Huh?" his future roommate said.

"What are you doing here, Kaoru-dono?"

"Anou...I think you've got the wrong girl. My name is Karou."

"Oh. Sorry, I thought..."

"Sorry ain't good enough! You got me mixed up with someone else! You're wearing pink - I _hate_ pink--"

"The uniform is pink, gozaru."

"That doesn't matter! And you talk weird. Therefore, I hate you. I'm going to go to our room and sulk now. Goodbye."

"Oro. Kao - sessha means, Karou-dono, wait!" He followed her out of the room, leaving behind a distraught Principal Shimatta.

"I didn't even get one line..." he sulked.

* * *

Kenshin's attempts to reconcile with Karou were ill-fated at best. Through the course of the afternoon, he was given the cold shoulder part of the time and whacked with a plethora of objects ranging from a Japanese history textbook to a hairdryer to a bedroom door. As bad as this was, he dreaded what class would be like, since he and Karou had the misfortune of sharing the exact same schedule. 

Finally, Karou had decided to let him into the room, provided he didn't touch her stuff or talk or even breathe any more than he had to. He figured he'd take any improvement he could get.

Someone knocked on the door. Karou got up to get it, quieting her attack Pomeranian, Fluffy. (Pets weren't allowed on campus, but the teachers made an exception since Karou was Mary Sue's cousin - _everyone _loved Mary Sue.) "Megumi." Karou scowled.

"Karou."

"Oro?"

Karou's scowl grew. "I hate you, Kenshin."

"Sessha knows that, de gozaru. This one has the Pomeranian bites to prove it."

She ignored him. "This is Megumi, the school slut."

"She only says that 'cuz she won't let me...teach her how to have fun," Megumi purred, meaningfully stroking Karou's arm. The other girl flinched away.

"Are you just here to hit on me? If you are, I suggest you leave."

"No, I'm not. I just heard that you have a new...roommate, and I came to get a look for myself. She's cute."

"Some of us would beg to differ..." Karou mumbled. "Goodbye, Megumi," she said more forcefully, trying to close the door.

Megumi pushed back. "My number's 968-7825! Call me!"

"_Goodbye_, Megumi!" Karou practically shouted, slamming the door shut.

"Oro..." Kenshin allowed himself to fall onto his bed.

"You can say that again," Karou said before shutting off the light.

* * *

In the middle of the night, Kenshin's dream (which was a pleasant one about Kaoru - his wife, not Karou) was interrupted by a weighty _something_ plopping down onto his chest. "Nani de gozaru ka?" he asked, squinting in the darkness and still half asleep. 

"Ohohoho, you're so cute while you're sleeping!"

"M-Megumi-dono?"

"Hai! I just thought I'd have a bit of fun with you while that stuffy takuni is asleep."

"Isn't it 'tanuki'?"

"Whatever. Anyway, down to business!" With a grin, and with bizarre, anthropomorphic fox ears suddenly appearing on her head, she reached between his (suitcases) and found something that surprised her.

(This line has been edited by the spirit of fanfiction-dot-net's terms of service. Remember, kids - the only safe sex is no sex!)

A (teddy bear), something no normal girl would have.

(This line has also been edited by the spirit of fanfiction-dot-net's terms of service. Don't drink and drive!)

"Well, this is a surprise," she murmured. "I can deal with this, however. I like (teddy bears) every bit as much as (purses)."

(You get the idea. This line has been edited by the spirit of fanfiction-dot-net's terms of service, et cetera, et cetera. Umm... Asparagus is good for you, and, er...

"What are you doing?" misaoshiru asked, glaring at the disembodied spirit.

Uh...I'm just making sure you don't scar any naive thirteen-year-old for life and generally being a good example, unlike you.

"I can come up with perfectly good euphemisms on my own, thank you."

But it's supposed to be rated T, and--

"I know. _Goodbye._"

Fine, fine...)

"Anou, Megumi-dono..."

"Don't tell me you're a prude too..."

"Sessha, umm...Sessha _really_ doesn't think this is a good idea, de gozaru."

"Naze?"

"Et-to...we could wake up Karou-dono, for one thing."

"So? She'd know what she's missing then."

"...We don't have any protection."

"My parents put me on the pill years ago. Better that than grandchildren while I'm still in school, they figure."

"...Sessha doesn't know how?"

"Even better." Megumi grinned; were those fangs he saw? Oro. "I'd make a great teacher."

"This one really needs a good night's sleep for the first day, de gozaru!"

"...Fine. But you owe me."

"This one does?" Why was he getting a bad feeling about this?

"Yup. For not telling the principal you're really a guy." Megumi winked. "Good night, Ken-san."

"Oro..."

* * *

Kenshin's first thoughts the next morning were 'Early. Loud. Why not sleeping?' Apparently, his mind, A.K.A. Bob-chan, wasn't very coherent first thing in the morning. 

And first thing it definitely was. Karou's clock radio, which was playing some song in a language he didn't understand at full blast, read 3:14 A.M.With a groan, he rolled over and stared at Karou. "Why are you up so early, de gozaru ka?" Even _he_ didn't get up this early. (Well, not most mornings.)

"Kenjutsu club." (Never mind that kenjutsu isn't common anymore, even in Japan.) "Student council. I was vice president, and now that my cousin Mary Sue's dead, well...I've been promoted."

"Oh. Umm...sorry?"

"I don't mind the promotion. But I still hate you, even though it was her fault and not yours. I loved my cousin, okay?"

"She was certainly an...interesting person."

"Shut up and leave me alone."

"H-hai."

"First period is at eight. Mr. Saitou is strict, so don't be late. It'd make me look bad."

"Oro..." Mr. Saitou? He had a _really_ bad feeling about this.

* * *

Author's Notes: 

The asparagus line is dedicated to one of my closest friends, Jupe-san. I love you, Lem:3


	3. Chapter 3

**Schoolgirl Kenshin and the Badfic of Doom**  
_Chapter 3 _

When Kenshin woke up again, there were some books sitting on his nightstand, with a note on top. It said, "I am class representative, in addition to student council president and a generally awesome person. Don't be late, and don't forget your books; I don't want you to make me look bad. -Kamyia Karou"

Damn. This wasn't some sick nightmare induced by too much wasabi and past trauma at the hands of a certain fangirl, then. No, it was current trauma, which was far worse. With a sigh, he got up and went to get dressed, brush his hair, and do other "getting ready for school" things.

Kenshin stepped into the classroom five minutes before eight, taking a seat near the back of the classroom and praying that it wouldn't be as bad as he was concerned it might. He had already encountered alternate versions of two of his friends in this twisted world, so it really wasn't much of a stretch to imagine Saitou there. Even so, the very thought made him shudder.

Karou was already in the room when he arrived. She gave him her most hateful glare in form of a greeting, but he ignored her. Fortunately for both of them, they were sitting about as far away as they could in the small classroom.

Slowly, the other students filed in. Megumi plopped down in the seat next to him. He flinched away, but that didn't dissuade her from clinging onto his arm with one hand and stroking his leg with the other. "Megumi-dono, what are you doing, de gozaru ka?" he hissed beneath his breath.

She winked at him. "Can I help it if you're sexy?"

"Sessha thought it was supposedly men who didn't think with the brains in their heads, de gozaru."

"That's cruel. I should punish you for that." She smirked and stroked higher on his thigh. This did not bode well...

Fortunately, Saitou-sensei chose just that moment to step in through the doorway, causing Megumi to jump back into her seat like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Unfortunately...

'Oh crap, de gozaru yo!'

The teacher looked exactly like the Saitou Kenshin knew in Meiji, except that he was smiling. To someone who had seen his Fujita Goro persona, this wouldn't be too hugely disturbing, but to Kenshin...

'Is it the apocalypse already? But sessha isn't finished atoning for the Bakumatsu, de gozaru!'

"Ohayou gozaimasu, class!" Saitou-sensei said in a voice that was all-too cheery and energetic and bubbly... Bob-chan nearly fainted from it all.

"Ohayou gozaimasu, Sensei," the class mumbled halfheartedly.

Saitou-sensei's eyes glinted a fierce amber. (This was a special kind of anthropomorphic amber that could have qualities such as fierceness; Saitou-sensei's eyes were _speshul_. They were orbs, despite their almond shape!) "That was abysmal, you morons," he growled, and the students flinched, shrinking back against their chairs. "Now, let's try again, class? Ohayou gozaimasu!"

"Ohayou gozaimasu, Sensei!" all the students said emphatically, no one wanting to be caught being silent.

"Much better. Now, class," Saitou-sensei said, turning back to the kind-looking, smiling teacher persona as if nothing had happened, "we have a new student today. Please come join me at the front of the class, Kenshin-chan."

Kenshin hesitated. A disturbingly out-of-character ex-enemy wanted him to expose himself (not literally, thankfully – or unfortunately, depending on your viewpoint,) and he was unarmed. His instincts (coincidentally named Tom-kun and Betty-san) screamed, "This is a bad idea! Don't do it, you dumbass!"

…In Japanese, of course.

Taking a deep breath, he picked up his textbook to avoid going unarmed and took a single step forward. After a minute, he took another. Sixty seconds later, another.

Megumi pushed him forward. "Hurry up, baka!" she hissed.

After regaining his balance, Kenshin sighed and kept walking, until finally he was at the front of the room. "Good girl," Saitou-sensei said, clapping him smartly on the back. (After all, what teacher can clap dumbly?) "This is Himura Kenshin. She just moved here all the way from Tokyo. I do hope you'll make her feel welcome."

Okay. That _wasn't _Saitou-sensei's hand on his rear. He was just imagining it. Yup.

Kenshin mentally counted to juu. Then, he counted backwards to ichi. (Mwahaha – phear me, for I can count in Japanese!)

-The fourth wall collapses. Misaoshiru is hit in the head with a Japanese-English dictionary. Hope is restored, and the story will resume once she regains consciousness.-

A blue-haired, female chibi shyly walks onto the still, silent stage. "Umm, since my friend's unconscious, and since nothing else is happening, this might as well be a commercial break, right? So, umm…eat asparagus! It's good for you, and it tastes good, too! Just…don't steal any from my stash, or I'll have to sic some Rabid Mutant Chickens on you. Umm…that's all, I think. Bye."

-Misaoshiru slowly opens her eyes. "What hit me? Oh, yeah. Back to writing, I guess."

It is at this time that the saying "Every time misaoshiru writes, an angel painfully drowns" is coined. Hope dies in a tragic accident. (Hope is, coincidentally, one of those annoying Christian Sues that seem to proliferate in every fandom. There is much rejoicing.)-

In an instance of godlike speed, Kenshin whacked Saitou-sensei on the head with his history textbook.

The class, apparently, couldn't decide whether to cheer or groan. Most simply decided to watch in stunned silence.

Saitou-sensei rubbed his head, his eyes narrowed to amber slits. It was obvious what had happened: Saitou-sensei, Konoyarou High School's most emotionally unstable teacher, had finally snapped. All of the students, save for Kenshin, ran and hid when Saitou picked up a meter stick (conveniently in the history classroom instead of the math one) and said, in a low tone, "Student soku zan."

What followed is one of the stunning-est fights in the history of, umm, fighting. Unfortunately, because misaoshiru is lazy, you won't get to know what happened. Sorry. ;)

-"Emoticons in the middle of a story?" an angry voice says, almost growling. "You have fallen greatly, misaoshiru no baka."

"I'm burned out," misaoshiru whines. "Please don't knock me out this time! I'll try to be funnier…"

"…All right. But you realize that the ff(dot)net terms of service spirit is after you."

"I know. I'll be more careful…maybe."-

* * *

Karou cornered Kenshin after class. "Nani the jigoku did you think you were doing?"

"Oro?"

"You heard me. Nani the jigoku did you think you were doing?"

"What the hell did sessha think he – er, she - was doing?"

"Fine. Put it all in one language- it doesn't matter. Just answer the damned question."

"Sessha was fighting against Saitou-sensei de gozaru."

"Naze?"

"Oro? Umm…because he touched sessha's rear de gozaru ka?"

"Oh, that? He does that to all the new students. So do some of the other teachers. Just ignore it."

"Ignore it? How the hell is sessha supposed to ignore it?"

"Well…have you tried counting to juu?"

"Yes."

"It's something you'll get used to."

"But sessha doesn't want to get used to it de gozaru yo! Sessha prefers not being used to it de gozaru! _Sessha is not gay!_"

"What does that…wait. You're a guy."

"…Hai."

"I changed my mind about you, Kenshin. I love you!" Karou glomped him, giving him a little kiss and a wave. "See you in Hiko-sensei's class!"

"Sessha still has a very bad feeling about this…"

* * *

The rest of the school day was just as weird. Karou acted all lovey dovey whenever she saw him. Frankly, he kind of missed when she hated him.

And when Karou flirted, Megumi would retaliate in kind. It was all enough to give him a seriously bad headache.

Finally, it came time for lights out, but Kenshin couldn't sleep. 'Konoyarou High School almost makes sessha miss training with shishou,' he mused. 'Almost.'

* * *

Morning came far too soon, with Karou's odd alarm clock blaring music in English. He couldn't understand the words, but just hearing the music made Kenshin feel oddly depressed.

"Oh, you're up?" his roommate said as she brushed her hair. "Hope you don't mind the music…It's Evanescence. Isn't it sugoi?"

"Umm…yeah, sessha guesses."

Karou started to sing. "

-The spirit of fanfiction(dot)net's terms of service appeared in a blazing rage of incorporeal-ness. "Misaoshiru, you are wanted for violation of the TOS!" it said angrily.

"But I didn't do…"

"Song lyrics are not allowed in fanfiction posted here."

"I know; I wasn't…"

"Casual Fridays are no longer in place – you must wear a suit and tie while typing."

"Wait. Listen, you…"

"The door in back is Employees Only. Your firstborn must be delivered to us promptly upon birth. _All your base are belong to us._"

* * *

Misaoshiru sighed. Her computer screen went blank, save for the words "You have been banzor'd." She'd need some help to get out of _this_ mess…

* * *

_End Chapter 3

* * *

_

Author's Notes:  
Like I mentioned in the story, I've been kind of burned out lately. If this chapter isn't very funny, that's the reason. 

There will probably be only two or three more chapters to this, although there _may_ be a sequel. Possibly. It isn't probable, though.

The blue-haired chibi is, of course, my dear friend Jupe-san. Unfortunately, she's at camp right now, but I have a feeling she'll enjoy her little cameo when she gets around to reading it.


	4. Chapter 4

Note: Many Pirates of the Caribbean jokes in this chapter, some of which may not make much sense if you haven't seen Dead Man's Chest yet. There aren't any spoilers, though.

**Schoolgirl Kenshin and the Badfic of Doom  
**_Chapter 4_

Misaoshiru sighed as she seated herself at her computer and checked her e-mail, a routine she had upheld daily (and often multiple times per day) ever since she was fourteen. Nothing. Not that she expected any; she was still banzor'd from fanfictiondotnet, after all. It was times like these when she almost wanted to have a life.

An IM window popped open. "Have you beta'd 'Shockwaves' yet?" the sender, misaoshiru's close friend Jupe-san (A.K.A. Lemming and/or Becky) asked.

"Not quite yet," misaoshiru typed in response. "Why is the money always gone?"

"Lemme guess...you went to see Pirates of the Caribbean again. XD"

"...Maybe."

"I think you've had enough."

"What makes ye say that, mate?"

"Yup. I'm gonna have to cut you off."

"Lem... T-T What else am I supposed to do if I'm banzor'd from ffdotnet? I'm going through withdrawal like you wouldn't believe."

"That's true. We're going to have to do something about that. Hang on; I'll be right over."

Misaoshiru's heart swelled with pride for her friend. Then, there was a knock on the door. "That was fast," she said as she answered it.

"I harnessed the running strength of a dozen rabid plotbunnies?" the lemming-ish girl said weakly in response.

"You live outside of town, Lem. You'd have gotten writer's block long before you could get here. Trust me; I've tried."

"I know. It's amazing how quickly you can travel through plot holes, isn't it?"

"That explains a lot. Anyway, do you have any plans for defeating the ebil ffdotnet terms of service spirit?"

"Not really. I was kind of hoping you did," Lem said, shrugging bemusedly.

"If I had any ideas, I assure you that I would have told you already."

"Well...what would Kenshin do?"

"Kenshin? He'd probably rejoice at the sudden decrease in torture."

"Good point. But...if he was a fanfiction writer?"

"He'd probably move on to another site, but that option isn't very appealing."

"Well...what would Jack Sparrow--"

"Captain Jack Sparrow," misaoshiru interrupted.

Lem twitched. "What would _Captain_ Jack Sparrow do?"

"Drink lots of rum?"

The house was suddenly a bit noisier, as Lem was greatly immersed in hitting her head against the nearest wall. "What would he do that's productive?" she finally said, hoping she wasn't too heavily brain-damaged.

"Umm...he'd look for leverage, I suppose. British pronunciation, of course."

"Leverage? Well, there's a start. Hmm. Where could we get some good dirt on him?"

"A jar of dirt?"

"...You definitely need to lay off the trips to the theater, Meg."

"Sorry."

"But seriously, who could we ask?"

"Are you seriously condoning blackmail, Lem-chan?" misaoshiru said meekly, unsure whether to hide under her desk or cheer her friend on.

"Desperate times, Meg."

"...You're my hero!"

"Yeah, well, you owe big time for this. Anyway, let's discuss something productive."

"Is he married?"

"Huh?"

"Is the spirit married?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"Well, if he's married, wouldn't he have a mother-in-law?"

"...Meg, you're a genius. An insane genius, but a genius nonetheless."

"Aren't I, though?" misaoshiru said, basking in the praise.

* * *

The spirit's mother's-in-law house was gigantic. Big and pink. As a result, misaoshiru was terrified. 

"You knock!" she whispered, poking her friend in the shoulder.

"Couldn't we just ring the doorbell?"

"...You ring it!"

"I have an idea. Why don't we both ring it at the same time?"

"Okay." Both teenagers reached for the doorbell, but misaoshiru pulled back at the last moment.

Lem glared at her. Misaoshiru just grinned. It was the kind of grin that yelled "sucker," but the grin soon faded. For the sound of the doorbell was the sound of forty-seven angry penguins.

Both girls tensed, and misaoshiru fell into a fetal position. From the inside of the house, they could hear a loud thump, then another. "Footsteps," Lem whispered, shuddering.

Slowly, the door creaked open, and the girls were face-to-face with a woman who made Goliath look like a child's action figure. "Hello, girls," she said, her voice deep and booming like a drill sergeant's.

"...Parley?" misaoshiru said, almost by reflex.

"H-hello, ma'am," Lem said, trying to keep her voice as level as possible. "My name is Jupe-san, and this is my friend misaoshiru. We are here to discuss your son-in-law."

"Oh? And what about that worthless boy?" she said, leaning toward the girls. Her breath smelled of stale cigarette smoke and alcohol. "Did he finally wise up and get a decent job? Or is he in some kind of crap again that he needs my help to get out of? You can tell him that he's on his own, by the way."

"No, it's just...he banzor'd my friend from fanfictiondotnet for no reason, and we were hoping you could talk to him or something."

"Did he, now," the mother-in-law said nonchalantly.

Misaoshiru was still shuddering and trying to escape the large woman's gaze, so Lem sighed, resigning herself to do all the talking. "She was banned for a parody fic, but the horrible fanfics she was parodying remain online, tormenting all readers with any taste."

The maternal person (from now on, let's just call her Mrs. Biglady) practically roared. "That boy's gone too far. I'll help you, but only because that rotten son-in-law of mine needs to learn a lesson."

For the first time since meeting Mrs. Biglady, misaoshiru and Lem smiled.

* * *

Compared to his mother-in-law, the spirit of fanfictiondotnet's terms of service lived in a closet. The apartment was so small that Mrs. Biglady probably couldn't even fit inside. Her knocks made the door rattle like plywood. 

Apparently, even spirits need to shave, as the terms of service spirit had five-'o-clock shadow when he opened the door. He squinted at the light outside, probably having just gotten up. "What do you - Gah! Mother!"

"Eugene Maurice Dotnet!" Mrs. Biglady yelled, somehow poking the disembodied spirit in the chest. "You have gone too far! These girls say you banzor'd one of them by sheer whim. Is this true?"

"...No! Umm..."

"Wait, is that seriously his name?" Lem whispered. Misaoshiru snickered.

"No? Are you calling these girls liars, then?"

"Well, they're fanfiction writers! They're attention-seekers by nature, aren't they?"

"I trust fanfiction writers better than I trust you, boy! Come on, tell me why you won't get a job."

"I have a job, Mom!"

"You can't call it a job unless you make at least ten bucks an hour. And really, where's my grandkids? _I want grandkids, dammit!_"

Naturally, the chaos continued. Lem and misaoshiru watched from the side in mixed horror and amusement. "I wonder if they realize how loud they are," misaoshiru said.

"Ow, that's got to hurt," Lem said, wincing.

"Was that a rubber chicken I saw?"

"Either that or we're both seeing things. And, seeing as I'm generally saner than you..."

"I didn't know you could use that word as a verb!"

"I didn't know arms could bend that way."

"...We should probably make our escape while we still can, huh?" misaoshiru said quietly, flinching at what sounded like a strangled cat playing a bagpipe.

"Good plan." And thus did they make tracks.

* * *

Kenshin had been having a fairly awesome day, for once. Sure, it was a little odd that he'd suddenly appeared back in Meiji, but after burning that idiotic sailor suit and..._enjoying_ the real Kaoru's presence, it was easy to imagine that the hellish badfic parody he had been forced to suffer never happened. That is, until there was a puff of red smoke and a sneeze. 

"What the--" This could not be happening. He was dreaming. Soon he'd wake up in his Kaoru's arms, no longer wearing that hideous uniform. In fact, ideally, he wouldn't be wearing anything...

"Ahem." Misaoshiru grinned. Bob-chan was screaming that this did not bode well. "I'm sorry to interrupt your musing, but you are, in fact, very much awake."

"Damn, de gozaru."

"I do have good news, though. I just saved hundreds on my - meh. That's too lame a joke, even for me."

"Oro?"

"Point is, there's only one chapter left after this. Then, you and Kaoru can do whatever you want together."

"Thank the gods," Kenshin said, sighing.

If only he knew what misaoshiru had planned for the evil _Fifth Chapter of Doom_. (TM; insert clichéd melodramatic music here.)

* * *

**End chapter 4**

* * *

Author's Notes:  
(Sigh) Another chapter that's not as funny as I wanted it to be. Oh well. Chapter five promises to be a blast. 

Again, dedicated to Jupe-san, who's in Hawaii at the moment, and to Mi-chan as well. I love you both like sisters. :3


	5. Chapter 5

**Schoolgirl Kenshin and the Badfic of Doom  
**_Chapter 5_

Conveniently, it was a Sunday, meaning there was no class. Kenshin relaxed a little, though he was still on alert – one could never be too careful when dealing with either badfics or parody fics, after all, particularly the badfic parodies.

Karou was off with some friends. She had said something about "shopping" and "Hot Topic", but Kenshin hadn't been paying much attention. The radio was still on, a distant, annoying hum in the background until Kenshin figured out how to turn it off. Oddly enough, despite being in Japan, all it ever played was those depressing-sounding English songs. He supposed it fit, considering his predicament.

His roommate didn't return until a few minutes before curfew, leaving Kenshin with many hours of personal time. He spent the first few hours sulking, but he then decided that that wasn't very productive. "Well...maybe those fanfiction writers actually have something going," he murmured to himself, cringing. It _was _a way to pass the time.

* * *

Finally, a midnight-haired girl dragged herself inside, dropping her bags to the floor and slumping on the couch conveniently placed parallel to the computer Kenshin was seated at.

He quickly clicked the "x" button on the window he had open: a steamy KxK lemon. There were some things best kept to oneself, after all. "How was your day, Karou-dono?" he said, trying his best to remain polite. If he was stuck here for one more chapter, he might as well attempt pleasantry.

"My name is Kauru," she said, like it was obvious, "and it sucked. Life sucks. I suck."

"Kar - Kauru-dono, you don't need to be so down, de gozaru. Try to cheer up." Hey, if he could remain positive in this insane fic, anyone could.

"Tomorrow's the sports festival between this school and the local public school, Bakayarou High."

"...Dumbass High?"

Kauru shrugged nonchalantly. "I think it was named after its founder."

"Oro."

"Anyway, take me, please? Otherwise, I can't go on...I need to find my razor so I can cut myself and be all emo."

Kenshin sighed. "Hai. This one will go with you, de gozaru."

Kauru looked up at him, tears and the all-too-heavy mascara from her eyelids dripping down her face. "Thank you. Will you be my lover now and be all possessive and tie me up?"

"Oro...no."

"Damn. It was worth a shot."

* * *

It was the day of the school festival. To Kenshin, it hadn't come nearly soon enough, as Kauru had been clinging to him all night like a drowning squirrel would cling to salvation's tree branch, or some similarly lousy simile.

The grounds were brightly decorated. Principal Shimatta was sitting on a random, high balcony, with a microphone in hand. "Students, welcome to Konoyarou and Bakayarou Highs' first annual sports festival, which is actually just a pathetic excuse to get all of you together at once by an uncreative writer! Have a great time, and remember: Someone help me! I'm forty seven years old, and I still live with my mom!"

Kauru - or was it Karou? Kenshin could never keep those names straight anymore - pulled him from stall to stall, begging him to buy her things. Apparently, she had forgotten all about her emo/goth streak the previous night. That is, until...

"Yo. You're totally stealing my girl, yo, an' I don' like that, man," said a white-haired teen wearing an enormous pair of sunglasses and a lot of bling.

"Enishi!" Kauru said, gasping. "I'm not your girl anymore, remember?"

"Look, girl, I know I proba'ly creeped ya' out wid' the whole stalkin' thing an' all, but y'know I love ya', right?" Enishi gave her the puppy-dog eyes, which Kenshin found rather disturbing on a thug/gangsta/drug dealer.

"Well...I'll go back to you on one condition: You tie me to your bed immediately and force me to have hawtsex with you."

"Deal, yo."

"Sorry, Kenshin," she said, looking back at him unapologetically, "but I've got a bad smut fic to star in." With that, Kauru disappeared.

Kenshin sighed, shrugged, and turned around, immediately bumping into a hyperactive underclassman, who simply beamed at him and started doing jumping jacks, out of nowhere. "Hi!" she said, bubbling. "I'm Misao! I'm about as mature as a three-year-old who's high on drugs! Ooh, the colors!"

A taller figure loomed up behind him, and Kenshin fought the urge to flinch. It was Aoshi, or at least, it _looked _like Aoshi. "I'm Aoshi," he said. Well, that answered that...maybe. "I'm her boyfriend, but she's an annoying little bitch, so I'm going to go cheat on her with Megumi behind the bathrooms, where anyone can find us and watch. Later."

Kenshin shuddered. Not Aoshi. _Definitely _not Aoshi.

"Waah! Aoshi-sama, don't leave!" the jade-eyed (or were her crystalline orbs more of an emerald color?) girl wailed. "Oh well. Guess I'll go do some LSD with Soujirou, then, who I'll randomly call Sou-chan!" She skipped off into the distance before tripping over her own feet. "I'm okay!" she said, even though no one was listening.

And then...Kenshin saw a face he had never expected to see again, particularly not in _this _fic. He reached out to touch her face, just to prove that this wasn't a hallucination. "Tomoe..."

"Like, eww," the girl with pitch-black hair said, drawing away from him as if he held something repulsive on his hand. "_Hello,_ my name's Tomeo, not Tomoe, and you're, like, less popular than, like, that tree over there, so don't touch me, okay? In fact, like, stay away from me entirely. Like, gag me with a spoon, wtf."

A boy ran towards them. Kenshin's eyes widened, and he couldn't keep from gasping. Tomeo gave him a condescending look, but he didn't notice. "Kiyosato Akira," he murmured under his breath.

"Tomeo! Do you need help? Is there anything that I, as your often forgotten star quarterback trophy boyfriend, can do for you?"

"Yes, there, like, is. Like, get me away from this _loser_," she said, pointing to Kenshin, "and, like, buy me lots of, like, stuff!"

"I am yours to command! I will buy you the entire country of Japan if I must in order to win your love."

Tomeo scoffed. "You're, like, almost as bad as that _thing_. Don't, like, forget that the only reason I, like, put up with you is because you're, like, popular and, like, rich."

"I know, but one day...!"

"For the love of, like, god, like, get me the hell, like, out of here!"

"I'll hail the best limo in Japan for you, my sweet."

Tomeo rolled her eyes, mouthing the words "Like, save me," to Kenshin before the limo arrived and the two departed.

"That was...interesting, de gozaru."

"And painful to write," the school's mascot, someone in a wombat costume, commented. Wait.

"Misaoshiru-dono?" Kenshin said, incredulous.

"The one and only."

"Why are you wearing the wombat costume, de gozaru ka?"

"So I can use mad stealth ninja wombat skillz0rs. Duh."

"Oro..."

"So. How are you coping?"

"Fairly well, this one supposes. No thanks to you."

"If you have any questions, you know, now's the time to ask them."

"Just what part of Japan is this, anyway, de gozaru ka?"

"Uzbekistan."

Kenshin gaped at me...I mean, her. "Sessha thought Uzbekistan was a country, de gozaru."

"That's what _they_ want you to think." There was a strange glint in misaoshiru's eyes as she said this, visible despite teh wombat suit of d00m.

"They, de gozaru ka?"

"Yes, _they_. In italics."

Kenshin sighed. Perhaps it was better not to ask... "Why this one?" he said instead. "Plenty of other fandoms seem to be filled with badfics, de gozaru."

"Yeah, but you're my favorite."

It might have occurred to Kenshin to be flattered by this statement, had it come from anyone else. But... "What about _Pirates of the Caribbean_, de gozaru ka? This one thought you were rather infatuated with that at the moment..."

"True, but Captain Jack Sparrow is crazy enough as is."

"...Good point."

"Anyway, I have to run. They're giving away free Mountain Dews in the cafeteria!"

"Oro..." This situation had bad written all over it.

* * *

Kenshin was barely able to take three steps before encountering another familiar person. Well, a familiar face. "Hi," said face said. "I'm Sanosk--Sanou--Sano, and I want to get to know you better."

Kenshin sweatdropped. The sweat broke. Angrily, it blew a raspberry at him - it turns out that sweat really doesn't like being dropped. "No thanks, de gozaru."

"Aww..."

And then came the ambush. "_Kyaa!1!tenthousandonehundredandone!_ There he is!"

He groaned. _Great_. Fangirls. Not only that, but they were the writer's friends, even worse.

"He's even cuter in person!" an older teenager, SuperSheba (A.K.A. Mi-chan,) squealed. "Kaoru's so lucky."

"Hold him down - I want to play with his hair!" Lem said, her hair falling down her back in a cascade of ocean blue, her sparkling gray-blue orbs glinting more than usual in glee.

"I'd like a crack at it, too," PraiseDivineMercy added, reaching out to touch it. Kenshin flinched away.

"Shouldn't I be the first allowed to touch his hair?" an Australian redhead - the well-known Nekotsuki - said, smirking. "I mean, it _was_ down for most of 'Tanabata Jasmine'. I provided you all with fanservice, so..."

"Oro... Sessha remembers that fic, de gozaru. It hurt."

Nekotsuki merely gave an evil grin in response.

Sano stared at Kenshin, mouth agape. "Wait, you're a guy? Oh well; that works, too. If you want to go with me to my house, I've got some really sexy movies we could watch together," he said in a seductive voice.

Apparently, some random, possibly rabid yaoi fangirls had approached when no one was looking, for there was a collective swooning at Sano's words.

"Umm...sessha would _really _like to go with you, but, uh...Look, a three-headed monkey, de gozaru yo!" Kenshin pointed in a random direction. When everyone's eyes were averted, he took off with godlike speed.

...And bumped right into his former roommate.

"M-Mary Sue-dono!" he said, staring.

"Yup, it's me," she said, giggling. "After my heroic death, I've finally returned to become your bride! I know that you're a guy because I have a special, uh...guy-sense that tingles whenever I see my husband-to-be!"

"Oro...this one is married, de gozaru. And...your heroic death?"

"Oh, Kenshin, Kenshin," Mary Sue said, sighing. "Don't you remember? I gave my life protecting you from evil guys from the sea who wanted your soul for a hundred years' service on their crew. Wait, or was it from the guy who marooned you twice on an island and left you to die? I don't remember anymore."

"Anou...sessha thinks you have the wrong fandom, de gozaru... And this one really must be going." Kenshin bolted.

Mary Sue was right behind him, despite his godlike speed. "You can't outrun someone who's half-cheetah, silly! Oh, wait...was it half-cheetah or half-panther?"

Kenshin tried to run faster...and ran into another teenager. "Hi," the boy said. "My name's Harry Potter, and I think I'm in the wrong fic, so I'll be going now."

The distraction was just enough for Mary Sue to tackle-glomp Kenshin, who made a mental note to tell the writer to quit having him always bump into people. He wasn't _that_ clumsy...was he? "Oh, Kenshin, don't you see? This is destiny! Oh," she said, seeing Harry for the first time. "Who's he? He's cute..."

Salvation! "This is...umm...Parry Hotter-san, and he's your husband to be," Kenshin said, feigning a smile.

"I love you!" Mary Sue said, trying to latch onto Harry, who ran.

"All I wanted is to make it back to Hogwarts!"

"At least let me have your babies first, Hotter-sama!"

Kenshin sighed in almost-relief. Well, that was one problem down. And, conveniently, another was approaching him at that moment.

Misaoshiru was whistling, practically drunk on Mountain Dew. "Oh, hiya, Kenzhin," she slurred.

"The reason you said you wanted this one here was _penguins_," Kenshin said, his voice cold and hard, his eyes narrowed amber slits. "I see no penguins. Send. Me. Home."

"Are you blind?" misaoshiru shouted, all signs of almost-drunkenness gone. "There are penguins everywhere!"

Kenshin was about to respond with something along the lines of "I'm not blind, but you're definitely insane! I want my wife!" when he noticed that he was surrounded by the various self-inserts and OOC characters. Then, when they started pulling down their hidden zippers...

That was when Kenshin snapped. It wasn't a Saitou-like snapping, either. It was a sitting-in-fetal-position-"I want to go home"-sort of snapping.

And then...that was when the real Kaoru, Yahiko, and Sanosuke appeared.

Kaoru took one glance at her husband before turning to misaoshiru, jabbing her hard in the stomach with a finger. " Listen, misaoshiru! You're going to fix this mess; can't you see you're driving the poor man insane?"

"I know, I know," misaoshiru whined. "Just send him to therapy and I'll pay for it."

"You expect me to let you off that easily, when you have tortured Kenshin, _my husband_, so much?"

"Okay, I'll admit I'm cheap. Hmm… How 'bout I throw in a trip to a hypnotist to make him turn into a mass of hormones every time you say the word 'banana'?"

"…Deal."

Sanosuke winced. "Jou-chan, that's _not_ the kind of thing I want to hear from _you_."

"Yeah," Yahiko said, cringing. "Eww…"

"What? I have needs, too."

"…Let's change the subject," Sanosuke said with a final twitch before pointing at misaoshiru. "You had better have a way to get us back home. Now."

"Fine… Spoilsport." The writer donned a pair of sparkly red shoes and tapped their heels together. "There's no time like Meiji. There's no time like Meiji."

"Why does that scream rip-off?" Yahiko muttered. He was ignored.

"There's no time like Meiji…"

* * *

Somehow, all four Kenshin-gumi and the writer were knocked out. Travel by crossover wasn't for the faint of heart, after all. Worse, they all had pounding headaches when they awoke.

"Oro…?"

"Oi, Neko," Sanosuke said, poking misaoshiru.

She twitched. "Just because I wear cat ears…"

"Never mind that. Where the hell are we?"

The writer looked around, only to see a yellow brick road and what may have been a castle in the distance. "...Tori atama, I don't think we're in Uzbekistan anymore…"

That was all that could be said before the group was attacked by a swarm of flying monkeys.

* * *

**End!**

* * *

Author's Notes:  
And with that, the fic is finally complete. This is actually only my second time completing a multi-chapter fic, so it's really exciting.

Lem told me I should explain why I couldn't write as well or as quickly as I wanted to. Well...let's just say that I spent a ton of cursed gold and had to put it all back in the chest along with a human sacrifice. Yup.

(I swear, that was her idea, not mine.)

So...as a final word...

**Omake**

"You tried to put whipped cream on this one's hot cocoa!" Kenshin pouted.

"So?" misaoshiru said, raising an eyebrow. "A lot of people like whipped cream on their cocoa. I know I do."

"There's no accounting for taste," he mumbled.

"You know," misaoshiru said, grinning, "for a moment there, well...let's just say that you could have given the readers a rather more...risqué impression than you intended."

Kenshin shuddered. "Let's not go there. Please."

"Already have."

The redhead sighed. He had a distinctly bad feeling about this...

* * *

And with that, I must bid you all adieu.

You will always remember this as the day that you almost caught Captain misaoshiru! -trips over something- Oro...


End file.
